THIS WAS THE DAILY UPDATE PAGE*

Do you care what the haps' was in my life way back, you should.

December 31, 2003: As much as I loathe the idea of "New Years Day" and such, I must say that this year has been rather enjoyable.

December 18, 2003: You get a lot of odd customers around Christmas. Desperate customers. The most obvious are those that ask you what their son/daughter, brother/sister, cousin/nephew would like for christmas. "He's about sixteen." Oh good that explains everything. If he's sixteen then he's obviously into Rammstien, KMFDM and books by Bill O'Reilly. Of course being sixteen also means that he is a closet ABBA fan. What the #@?*. How the hell should I know what he likes. It's a freaking book and music store! Let's see what do books and music rely heavily on? Could it be... TASTE! maybe?!
=D Then there are those people come in looking for things that any sane person would know that you just don't carry. "No ma'am, I'm sorry, we've never sold eggnog. I don't care if you are sure we've carried it before, we don't carry it now so it's not like I can just make it appear out of nowhere!"
=D But my favorite are the people who complain about the length of the checkout lines. "You're right, all six registers have cashiers and it's two weeks until Christmas, but why should you be made to wait in this line. It's my fault that you didn't shop earlier in the season, so here's a nice glass of shut the #@?* up, on the house. Merry Christmas."

December 17. 2003: Chanukah, it's time to get some more music. The Pagans and the Christians are kicking your tooshes when it comes to carols. Sure you've got the dradel and it's song, but that is about it. You've got eight nights and one song. I could make up a song right here on the spot. "Oh menorah, oh menorah! Your flames are so intriguing. Oh menorah, oh menorah, my sleeve is now on fire! Now every night we light you up, each candle like a birthday cake's. Oh menorah, oh menorah, so beautiful and dangerous." And that only took thirty seconds, and it's way better than that one about the tree.

December 15, 2003: Do people often walk around stores wearing badges with their name, the store's name and usually alot of the store product in their arms, even though they don't work there? "No I do not work here. I just really like to advertise my name and the store. Now piss off because I also happen to really like stocking the shelves of this place because it's good for my health."

December 13, 2003: Someone point out to me where people learn that the phrase "We are closed" means "I can still browse for what I want to buy". If that is the case then I'm going to show them where I learned that the phrase "Have a nice night" means "Me and my coworkers are going to jump you in the parking lot and beat the snot out of you". Merry Christmas.

December 11, 2003: I love the people who cannot wait to get into the store. They stand outside with obvious anticipation, some stand on their tippy toes with their faces to the glass holding their hands over their eyes like they are shielding themselves from the sun. They know they see people inside but they can't comprehend why they themselves are standing around outside while there are people inside who could be letting them in. Then there is the one person who walks straight up to the door and tries to open it and is dumbfounded that the door does not yield to his or her strength. That's right, all these other people are standing around outside the store with their faces to the glass for their health. Yeah, you're the first person to try the door, but obviously the last one to look at ehe sign that says "Open - 10am". Hey, that thing on your wrist, it's this amazing device that tells you that WE AREN'T OPEN YET. That's right, when the the big hand is on the nine, that means it's time to go get a donut from Anna's Bakery, or browse the isles at Home Depot or get a Larry Crappachino from the Larry Cafe. But it does not mean that yanking on the door will get you in any faster.
=D But lo' and behold! Your time has come, someone with keys approches the door from the parking lot, they are opening the door, step back a moment? Sure. Wait, they are closing the door... and locking it. Oh, that's right the big hand is still on the nine. So sorry.
=D Unfortunately, the big hand must pass from the nine and travel to the ten. Yes, I approach the door. Their faces brighten, some scowl at the attrocity of having been made to wait like the lower class animals that surrounds them, and some look to be in shock. I think I even see someone wet themselves. The click of the lock, the doors begin to part, there is a rush of conditioned air that escapes, the doors are only four inches open and here comes the guy that thinks he can squeeze through the four inches. Oh, look at that, he can't, but is he twarted? No. Of course not. The doors are pulled from my hands as the lemmings pour in. They are met with large tables piled high with books rolling their way but still they try to squeeze by. Then there are those who must look at the books before the table has even stopped moving. Somehow afraid that perhaps the table will never stop moving they follow along with them picking up books and looking at them as they walk along with the moving table. The bolder ones stand in the path of the table and begin picking books off of them. We like to call them @$$holes. But nothing can beat the one person who walks up after watching everyone and their mother stroll inside, and ask "Are you open?". Unfortunately yes, we are open and the day is just beginning.

December 9, 2003: I wear a Santa Cap at work during the holidays. It makes me feel Christmasy. It's cute to many and annoying to others. Two things I like to do to customers. Have them think I'm cute, and annoy the crap out of them. The only problem with the Santa Cap is that no one else wears them. Not that I want people to conform. No, I like to be the only one, but unfortunately that also means that I am easy to pick out of the crowd. Another thing I like to do is walk around the store without my nametag on. It makes it easier to do things and also is fun to tell people certain things and not have them know my name when the find out that I've sent them on a wild goose chase. But the Santa Cap forsakes me. WHY SANTA CAP? WHY!?

"Who told you that we have copies of the "Return of the King®? Thats not even out in theatres yet." "A young man who works here, there are many young men who work here." "There are many young men with brown hair that work here." "There are many young men with brown thinning hair that work here." "Yes they all wear pants." "What's that you say, a Santa Cap?" "Oh, don't worry, he'll get you a copy, let me just page him for you."

Stupid Santa Cap!. Oh, who am I kidding I can't stay mad at you.

December 7, 2003: People are really picky about their wrapping paper. Whats the deal with wanting to wrap a magazine? A MAGAZINE! Are you that cheap? Sure a subscription, that's a good gift, but one magazine? And you want it wrapped? What the #@?* ! ! ! And I didn't do a good enough job? First of all it's flimsy. Difficult to wrap flimsy things. Second of all its thin. Also difficult to wrap. Thirdly it's covered in celophane. Trust me, difficult to wrap. And finally, I hate you. Difficult not to smack you... while I'm wrapping. Not good enough for you? I mean come on people, it's free! You want it done better do it yourself, I got customers waiting. P.S. Your husband is cheating on you.

December 6, 2003: *Starting tomorrow, maybe. McDonalds should bring back Mac Tonight. You know the guy with the sickle moon for a face, who used to fly a piano and sing about Big Macs. I wonder whatever happened to him. I imagine he's playing the casino circut, probably with Ike Turner. There must have been some headbutting with Ronald. I mean sure, Ronald has been around for decades, and along comes Mac Tonight, moving in on his territory, stealing his thunder, getting toys made of him, flying pianos and old Cadillac El Dorados. If I were Ronald I would be worried too. I mean he was pretty cool. But Ronald probably had the backing of the sponsors and the board. I bet it's pretty hard to say no to Ronald, especially with his drinking proble-... I mean, his... charisma. Oh well. Hopefully things will work out for Mac Tonight, such a nice man. He should hook up with Jay Leno, and do a Christmas Special or something. Yeah, Mac and Jay, live in Central Park.

December 1, 2003: December is "Tell Stories About Work Month". Starting tomorrow*. *Tomorrow does not necessarily mean "tomorrow".

You've turned me on, I can't stop now.

On second though, better cut my losses.

Back to Mcbean's Website

*daily does not necessarily mean "everyday"