THIS WAS THE DAILY UPDATE PAGE*
Do you care what transpired in my life at these times, you should.
January 26, 2003: Do people honestly need to make-out in public? Can you not refrain long enough to get to somewhere a little more private? And do you have to be so loud. There is quiet kissing and there is loud kissing. It's like chewing with your mouth open. Nobody likes to hear what you've got in your mouth, that includes someone else's tongue! And what's the deal with getting mad at people who stare are you while you make out in public. If you are going to do it for everyone to see, then don't get upset when someone decides they would like to examine your technique, or "mad dog" you until you stop. Keep it between the two of you , or go into porn, I don't care. Whatever the case is, have a little freaking courtesy!
January 23, 2003: Never again will I ever say, "Gee, I'd give up my left hand for that", Or "Gee, I'd like nothing better than to pour 190-200 degree water on my left hand and not be able to use if for a day and a half." I don't think I've ever uttered the second statement but I sure as hell will think twice if I ever decide to, especially after yesterday. Oh, and burn cream, yeah, burn cream. Any place that has 200 degree water just lying around for an idiot to have fun with, should stock burn cream.
January 22,2002: Do you think that the other four dentists ever beat up the fifth dentist? He's got to be the hardest bloody person to please on the planet. What the hell does Crest have to do, put naked women* in their toothpaste? I mean come on, is he really that picky? If I were Crest, I would replace that dentist, because I think he's just being difficult on purpose. I'll bet when he was younger he was one of those kids who wouldn't give the Rabbit any Trix. What a bastard.
January 22, 2003 (supplement): * or naked men. How very sexist of me.
January 19, 2003: It truly is a beautiful planet we live on.
January 18, 2003: Why the hell would anyone, not only, use Carrot Top once in a commercial, but then continually use him in subsequent commercials there after. Do they think there are actually people out there who enjoy his antics. I mean as far as spokesmen (or spokeswomen if you prefer) are concerned, you can't do much worse than Carrot Top. I personally don't think annoying your customers into using your product is a very good method of advertising. But hey, maybe I'm being presumptuous. Perhaps I am the only anti-Carrot Topian out here. If so, I pity you people.
January 16, 2003: You know, the phrase "How could I say no?" is not really a complement. Because if you take a good look at it, the phrase shows they were obviously thinking of saying no, but couldn't come up with a good enough excuse to blow you off. They wanted to, but try as they might, no reason would have been good enough to not insult you. Essentially the phrase is just a more polite way to say "Well, if I have to." On a different note, lesbian Russian sisters actually make decent music.
January 15, 2003: So, someone "tagged" (put their graffiti mark on) the urinal at my work. I welcome an explanation for this. Why would someone want to tag a urinal? Is it now their urinal? Do they plan to set up camp in our bathroom and defend their territory with the intergalactic gang wars that plague upper class suburban Santa Barbara? Will they be charging rent to anyone who uses their urinal? What is the bloody point of marking a urinal with your "sign"? Why don't you claim something useful, like a car, or a mansion? Oh wait, I know why, because tagging anything means F***ALL. Ooooooh, you put your name on a toilet, I'm gonna watch my back now whenever I use this urinal, just in case someone comes up behind me to shank me with their shiv, or perhaps bust a cap in my ass. I've got an idea, why don't you "tag" a job application, or perhaps a college entrance exam. At least learn how to make your name legible. "Oh no! FQLPGKZN owns this toilet! I fear the man with eight consonants and no vowels in his name!"
January 13, 2003: I hate Starbucks. For many a reason, but mostly because they make stupid names for their sizes of drinks. "Tall, Grande and Venti". What the hell is wrong with "Small, Medium and Large"? Are they really trying to be that different? Are they afraid that customers will be turned off of your company because you use "common" words for size? HELLO! You already have the market cornered on commercialized coffee houses, do you honestly think that having those names attracts customers?... By the way, your lattes suck. Not that I drink lattes...
January 12, 2003: Ask yourself this one question: Is there anything in your life that you would change, thereby trading everything you have, everything that you currently are and possibly everything that you will be?... Are you sure?
January 11, 2003: Happy Birthday The Mike! You are now one year closer to a midlife crisis than last year. Cheers!
January 8, 2003: One would think that the Trix Rabbit would have learned his lesson by now. Trix are obviously not for Rabbits, they're for kids. Silly Rabbit. Not that I agree with this policy. Quite the contrary. I personally think that Trix should also be available for rabbits if their want is to have them. But you see the Trix Rabbit is going about it all the wrong way. He should not be using his method of subterfuge, but rather that of the legal system. No where on the box does it say "NOT FOR RABBITS" or "NO PARA CONEJOS" or "PAS POUR LES LAPINS" etc. etc. There is, that I have found, no actual document that says Trix are only for kids. Does that mean that adults cannot have them either? This is totally a violation of civil rights. Discrimination lawyers would hop all over this. I'm surprised that they haven't already, or that the Rabbit hasn't either. Then again he's not that bright. I mean look at his disguises, "Mr. Party Guy", an olympic skater, a weird several eared alien (of course that one was for the nasty looking yogurt, which I have no idea why he would even bother with that stuff), they were all crap. If he's going to stick with the whole disquise gig, he should at least take some lessons from Barney Rubble. He at least almost always got the Fruity Pebbles, except Dino or some other meddling prehistoric beast always interfered. But Barney's bad luck is a whole other daily update in itself. Personally I think the Rabbit should just give up the disquise idea altogether and consult a lawyer, it's his best bet. So if you know someone, let the Rabbit know, because I mean, how many years has it been? Just give the poor Rabbit some Trix, bloody hell stop being so mean.
January 6, 2003: It's strange when things are going well. I admit I'm suspicious. It always feels to me that there is going to be something around the corner that is going to hit me over the head and take it all away, not to mention steal my wallet. I do however relish the ride. If there is going to be a bridge out ahead, and you didn't bring your inflatable spare bridge, you might as well enjoy the view.
January 5, 2003: You know, I think that the Emergency Broadcast System was just some prank by the government to invade your TV and radio signals with a very annoying noise. Never did I ever here the E.B.S. used in anything other than the test. Oh how I would picture them FCC dinglberries laughing their asses off at all the annoyed TV watchers who had there Jepordy interupted, or at those old people who would tell everyone in the room to shut up because the E.B.S. is being broadcast which means armaggedon has come. Always a test. "This has been a test of the Emergency Broadcast System, if this were a real emergency news would have followed this broadcast..." And I even lived in tornado country for a while. Earthquake too! In fact there would be earthquakes all the time, and did I ever hear the E.B.S. telling me to get my ass in a doorway, or under a desk, or right next to a big unstable pile of cinder blocks? Did I? NO! No, I did not. Damn them FCC tossers and their tomfoolery. Always a bloody test.
Oh, except for the one time I was in Tuscon, and I heard a real E.B.S. broadcast for a flood watch. But that one didn't count, because it ruins my theory.
January 2, 2003: It's hard to remember to add one to the year every new year. I still think it's freakin' 1988 whenever I write a bloody check. And I wasn't even writing checks in '88! No, I used money orders. Seriously, it's usually about June or July that I finally get used to writing the correct year in whatever capacity I am using it in.
January 1, 2003: It's the "New Year". I'm sorry but New Year's is such a crap holiday. Oooh, a year has gone by! Yeah, well technically any day could be qualified as New Year's Day. "Oh my gosh! It's April 3rd, a whole year has gone by since last April 3rd!" Maybe I'm just cynical, but something about "a new year, a new start" is just utter crap to me. Why does it take a holiday for people to make resolutions to be better people? HELLO! Any day is a good day to start being a better person. The freakin' patch is available 365 days a year, it's not bloody seasonal!!!!
*daily does not necessarily mean "everyday"